When we found out

We found out October 24th(Travis’ birthday) about our pregnancy and were instantly excited and happy and overwhelmed. We had a million thoughts, questions, fears, and hopes flowing through us, but overall, we were so grateful and happy. We immediately knew we would be bad at keeping it secret and we wanted to share our news. We began to tell our close family members and a few friends. Everyone was excited for us and celebrated with us. I started a baby registry, I asked all my pregnant friends millions of questions, I started thinking about names, and started thinking about getting a bigger home for our bigger family.

I wanted a bump so bad, and each night I’d notice my bloating from all the food I was eating and stare at it in awe waiting for it to turn into a big round belly from a baby bump. My hair and nails were looking great, and aside from the lack of nausea, I was feeling pretty pregnant. As my appetite increased, food cravings began, and my insomnia and night sweats continued, we impatiently awaited our first appointment. The mood swings started and shortly, the excitement merged with nervousness and fear.

Leading up to our first appointment

The week or two leading up to our first appointment, I remember feeling such extreme panic, worry, and fear. I was frustrated, angry, and confused. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t feeling more physical symptoms like the typical morning sickness or nausea we hear about. I was mad that I was feeling so depressed and anxious when I thought my pregnancy should be making me happy and glowing. I was feeling every emotion I could possibly feel. I kept trying to get an earlier appointment with no luck.

“The typical first appointment is between the 8-10 week mark, some women don’t get seen until 10-12 weeks. This is the earliest we can get you in.” I was told by a receptionist at the OBGYN. We had nothing to do but wait and be excited and nervous. So, we waited and waited.

I started having night terrors. I had never experienced bad dreams like this until I awoke crying and drenched in sweat in the middle of the night. My worst fears becoming real nightmares I was immersed in each night. They felt so real, so terrible. Looking back now, I feel like part of me knew. These nightmares, fears, and panic was my body trying to tell me something WAS wrong. Unfortunately, doctors don’t care about gut instinct and weird feelings we may have; and even if they did, they couldn’t have done anything to change the circumstances. So, we waited.

The rest of this story is our story

our family + our pregnancy loss

Then, finally, November 23rd was here: our first appointment. I was excited but nervous. I had no idea what to expect. I was just happy the day was finally here that we would see and hear our baby for the first time. We got to the office, and I remember being really hot in all my layers and also really having to pee. We got called back and the nurse told me I could go to the bathroom and leave my urine sample first. I did that, then met her and Travis back in our ultrasound room. It was a darker room, with “cloud” coverings on the fluorescent lights and the room set up and ready for me. I got undressed and propped myself up on the paper covered table. Travis came to stand by my side and hold my hand and then the nurse began the ultrasound.

I knew immediately.

It didn’t take more than a few seconds of the nurse searching around with the ultrasound wand, the silence of the room, and the huge energy shift to cue me into what was to come. It felt like forever. It was maybe just a few minutes, but it felt like forever. The nurse’s face was plain, expression-less and because of that, her face seemed sad. I just knew. She kept moving the ultrasound wand around and searching, clicking buttons, typing things into the computer. Then she said it, “I’m sorry”, “I’m having trouble finding signs of the fetus”, “Your gestational sac is a little more misshapen, they tend to be nice and round”. Everything I feared I began to hear in real life. I wasn’t dreaming. This was real.

Then I see her type “NFH” on the computer which I knew meant; no fetal heartrate. I saw the black of my “misshapen” gestational sac, but saw nothing inside it, we heard no heartbeat. And just like that, I was told to get cleaned up and dressed and I’d be moved to another room to talk to the doctor and get additional testing done.

Another confirmation.

Nobody gets to see the main doctor in a private nice room on your very first appointment ever. We got shuffled to the back of the office into a private room and waited. The doctor came in, somber, and proceeded to tell us we had a pregnancy that wasn’t viable. I had had a missed miscarriage. My baby was only measuring 5 weeks 4 days, when I should have been 8 weeks and 3 days at the time of my appointment. In that moment, I felt my heart break into a million pieces. That’s what it felt like. My heart literally hurt, and I began sobbing, my mouth wide open, drooling into my own mask, tears streaming down my face, and snot running out of my nose. Travis squeezed my hand and held me. I knew he was going to be the strong one, for me.

The rest of the appointment and the following days were a blur. But this part; the weeks and moments leading up to hearing the confirmation that my baby wasn’t alive, I remember that.

Gosh, I was so excited… my first onesie, bottle, and binky for my baby, now stored and tucked away in a special box for when my baby decides it’s time to return to me..

I have so much more to say, but I want these blog posts to be separate chapters of my story, chapters of my miscarriage. To me, this part of my life felt like chapters. This part of my life felt like the climax of a really terrible horror novel, each paragraph eating at your emotions, each chapter leaving you needing a break before you read on.

Maybe that’s why I chose this style of writing. If you’re here, you care and you’re curious. Through my words, you can at least become just a little bit closer to knowing what I went through. You can be just a little closer to me and to my baby. My baby is watching over me and watching over everyone who had love in their hearts for us and for our baby.

Hope is with you. Hope is with me. Hope is all around us.

My story, my pregnancy loss